My new outlook:

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.” unknown

Karma...

the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

I miss him.

Feeling blue...or purple?

Last night I painted what used to be our bedroom. Now it's my bedroom. I made it soft purple and it compliments the red bedding I have. My two favourite colours in a now, very sexy room in the house and I can't share it with him. Perhaps I am feeling broody because I didn't get to bed until 3:30am. Likely, it's a combination of fatigue and heartache.

I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want to be angry anymore.

At least my facial definition for photos has returned...

The first thing two women in the office said to me after not seeing me for two months was, 'My, oh wow...girlie you've lost weight!' I was taken back a little not really certain if I was supposed to thank them or explain how the 'break-up diet' works. I didn't get the impression they were saying I looked 'gauntly thin' or anything but I believe it wasn't a compliment either considering I was a normal weight for my height in the first place. I do eat. I eat when the kids are home, there's no way they'd let me forget to cook! I forget to eat when they are not. At 4pm today, I realised I hadn't eaten a thing. I had two cups of tea so perhaps it's the milk that keeps me feeling full. Or perhaps it's the stress. I still haven't eaten and it's 5:30. I do feel a little empty, but not hungry.

I admit when I was happily, 'relation'ing,' I ate really well. I was living with an English boy who enjoyed cooking roast dinners and curries. Oh how I miss those curries;-)

I like my body right now though. Honestly, I wouldn't lose anymore if I had the choice because I know then I'd be too thin. I am fitting in the clothes again though, that I out-grew whilst eating delicious curries and roast dinners:)

I gotta go eat.

Please write me well.

My therapist made a good point today. I am a 'feeling' person and I need for people to perceive me in a positive way. There are all sorts of reasons why a relationship breaks down and when you're in the train-wreck, it's fight or flight and the basic needs of protecting yourself kick in naturally. I have said many things and my fingers have spoken for me in times of 'fight' when I should have taken a ride on the wave. Some of the correspondance probably has left a bad taste in the mouths of a select few and I know it. To explain, I'm wired to please and have people like and care for me. Once time passes, feelings can soften I am quite sure but why did I let it get there in the first place? Back to this post: ...abandonment, medications, hormones and some of life's most difficult challenges left me feeling out of control of my own actions. When I hurt, I hurt so badly, I can't fathom the fact that I will heal in the near future. I shoot myself in the foot because I want to be real and strong and sort things out. In the end, I lose it all and I step 3 steps back down the stairs to depression.

There are some tactics I've been trying out that seem to work for me: I don't send a emails until I've thought them through for a solid amount of time...(thanks mum,) I speak slowly and use judgement when it comes to reacting. As much as I like this new sense of control, (thank you Celexa,) I still know the lesson's been learnt the hard way. I've lost someone who used to think the world of me. He loved me so much, I was his world. When the relationship was suffering due to lack of work, homesickness and financial trouble, I emotionally broke down and lost all sense of self-worth, dignity and strength. The trauma sent me spiralling through a tunnel of catastrophic behaviours, and I couldn't get a grip.

I am here today to apologise for my role in making the lives of people I love and that love me, stressful and burdensome. I am feeling shame but hope that those who can find it in their hearts to forgive me, will 'write me well.'

The lump is there again...

the one where I can cry at any moment. I am over-tired. Two late nights in a row. I just watched a depressing movie, a teen kills herself. Ironically, the 4 main characters all had serious issues they were dealing with but were seeing a counsellor. The teen who died? Well, she was the one who didn't stand out. The nice, quiet girl that nobody noticed. She felt alone and that nobody cared.

I spoke to Nick today and I'm terribly confused. I saw him online, on msn and I said 'hello.' We chatted nicely about weather and cats for a couple of moments but it didn't last long. We are both hurt and scared and it shows. I rummaged through some old photos and videos which of course bring on the nostalgia. We used to be so happy. We laughed, danced, cooked and sometimes just acted like a couple of children when we were together. We longed to see each other from trip to trip and I'll never forget that feeling the weeks leading up to the next meet. I miss him today.

My mortgage comes out tomorrow and I haven't any money to pay it. I am supposed to start work but I have an appointment in the morning which will make me late. I am out of my meds and the pharmacy was closed when I went to pick them up.

I am full-on in tears now. Letting it go.

This is why I fear the good days...because I am far too aware of what follows closely behind.