My new outlook:

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.” unknown

Karma...

the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

I miss him.

Feeling blue...or purple?

Last night I painted what used to be our bedroom. Now it's my bedroom. I made it soft purple and it compliments the red bedding I have. My two favourite colours in a now, very sexy room in the house and I can't share it with him. Perhaps I am feeling broody because I didn't get to bed until 3:30am. Likely, it's a combination of fatigue and heartache.

I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want to be angry anymore.

At least my facial definition for photos has returned...

The first thing two women in the office said to me after not seeing me for two months was, 'My, oh wow...girlie you've lost weight!' I was taken back a little not really certain if I was supposed to thank them or explain how the 'break-up diet' works. I didn't get the impression they were saying I looked 'gauntly thin' or anything but I believe it wasn't a compliment either considering I was a normal weight for my height in the first place. I do eat. I eat when the kids are home, there's no way they'd let me forget to cook! I forget to eat when they are not. At 4pm today, I realised I hadn't eaten a thing. I had two cups of tea so perhaps it's the milk that keeps me feeling full. Or perhaps it's the stress. I still haven't eaten and it's 5:30. I do feel a little empty, but not hungry.

I admit when I was happily, 'relation'ing,' I ate really well. I was living with an English boy who enjoyed cooking roast dinners and curries. Oh how I miss those curries;-)

I like my body right now though. Honestly, I wouldn't lose anymore if I had the choice because I know then I'd be too thin. I am fitting in the clothes again though, that I out-grew whilst eating delicious curries and roast dinners:)

I gotta go eat.

Please write me well.

My therapist made a good point today. I am a 'feeling' person and I need for people to perceive me in a positive way. There are all sorts of reasons why a relationship breaks down and when you're in the train-wreck, it's fight or flight and the basic needs of protecting yourself kick in naturally. I have said many things and my fingers have spoken for me in times of 'fight' when I should have taken a ride on the wave. Some of the correspondance probably has left a bad taste in the mouths of a select few and I know it. To explain, I'm wired to please and have people like and care for me. Once time passes, feelings can soften I am quite sure but why did I let it get there in the first place? Back to this post: ...abandonment, medications, hormones and some of life's most difficult challenges left me feeling out of control of my own actions. When I hurt, I hurt so badly, I can't fathom the fact that I will heal in the near future. I shoot myself in the foot because I want to be real and strong and sort things out. In the end, I lose it all and I step 3 steps back down the stairs to depression.

There are some tactics I've been trying out that seem to work for me: I don't send a emails until I've thought them through for a solid amount of time...(thanks mum,) I speak slowly and use judgement when it comes to reacting. As much as I like this new sense of control, (thank you Celexa,) I still know the lesson's been learnt the hard way. I've lost someone who used to think the world of me. He loved me so much, I was his world. When the relationship was suffering due to lack of work, homesickness and financial trouble, I emotionally broke down and lost all sense of self-worth, dignity and strength. The trauma sent me spiralling through a tunnel of catastrophic behaviours, and I couldn't get a grip.

I am here today to apologise for my role in making the lives of people I love and that love me, stressful and burdensome. I am feeling shame but hope that those who can find it in their hearts to forgive me, will 'write me well.'

The lump is there again...

the one where I can cry at any moment. I am over-tired. Two late nights in a row. I just watched a depressing movie, a teen kills herself. Ironically, the 4 main characters all had serious issues they were dealing with but were seeing a counsellor. The teen who died? Well, she was the one who didn't stand out. The nice, quiet girl that nobody noticed. She felt alone and that nobody cared.

I spoke to Nick today and I'm terribly confused. I saw him online, on msn and I said 'hello.' We chatted nicely about weather and cats for a couple of moments but it didn't last long. We are both hurt and scared and it shows. I rummaged through some old photos and videos which of course bring on the nostalgia. We used to be so happy. We laughed, danced, cooked and sometimes just acted like a couple of children when we were together. We longed to see each other from trip to trip and I'll never forget that feeling the weeks leading up to the next meet. I miss him today.

My mortgage comes out tomorrow and I haven't any money to pay it. I am supposed to start work but I have an appointment in the morning which will make me late. I am out of my meds and the pharmacy was closed when I went to pick them up.

I am full-on in tears now. Letting it go.

This is why I fear the good days...because I am far too aware of what follows closely behind.

When you're doing the things you love again...

...you know that either you're stronger than you thought and have moved to a new stage of grief? ...or the medication is finally right and has kicked in. The doctor said it would be 4-6 weeks for it to work but I thought that because I was going off of one and right on to another that it would be instant. That's not how it all works, apparently:P Not only did I cut myself off, cold turkey from the previous drug, I was also in limbo awaiting the other one to kick in. Withdrawing and biding for the new, combined with hormones racing through my body, I was foredoomed. I crumbled in a huge way. I didn't only cry, I would sob like a child. I wasn't only angry, I was enraged. Adreneline was not my friend in any way. The surges my brain sent were irrepresable and I was spinning uncontrollably from one day to the next. One day I was wanting to die because life without him just wouldn't be life, and the next day, I was manically trying to order my life for the foreseeable future.

This is day 3 of a reasonable sense of calm and I'm enjoying it because I allowed myself to live again, however I am scared that this feeling won't last forever. I told my therapist on Thursday that I was frightened that the depression would come back. She assured me over and over that though the next few months could be shaky, if we keep my medication monitored, I should be able to maintain this level of soundness. I will be closely observed and counselled, and changes will be made before my mind can be sabotaged again. I have let my guard down and surrendering to the care of a doctor, specifically a psychitirist. I understand that of the people reading this, there are going to be some who may disapprove and disagree. Please try to understand this wasn't a hasty decision and that I've been 'here' many times before and have refused to allow myself to take this route. Natural therapies are most definitely available and will work for 'maintenence'... but I'm well aware that I needed a quick jump-start back to living and all the herbs and yoga classes available were not going to fix my brain chemistry.

So here I am. I can smile, I can laugh, I can eat, I can take pictures, I can practice my guitar, I can be with friends without crying on their shoulders for the first time in about 6 weeks. Next baby step is to get back to work. Monday morning, I'm going to face my career for the first time in about 6 weeks. I really haven't a choice as the bills staring at me on my desk are not paying themselves but you know...I actually feel ready to do what non-depressed people do everyday. Go to work and provide for myself and my two lovely little ladies:)

*truth*...I'm still scared that I will wake up depressed tomorrow. There is nothing I can do about that but live life to the fullest when I'm feeling good so that's what I've chosen for myself.

Picture perfect.

The sunrise today was spectacular. The entire sky was purple, pink and a bit of orange. Maybe the sunrise was the reason why today was a really good day. I woke up with energy. I took the kids to the dentist. I met some friends for lunch. I enjoyed a long walk along the inner-harbour and downtown area and then attended a friend's birthday party at a home I consider an extension of family. Today was just a really good day.

As I walked toward my therapy appointment this afternoon from my car, I worried that I had nothing to talk about today. I couldn't cry today. Not even if I wanted to. I felt contentment, stability, a love for life. Yes, this is all improvement, I agree but it frightens me. What will tomorrow be like? Was this an isolated incidence? Will I wake up tomorrow desperate to speak to the man I loved so dearly or will I carry on with my day, enjoying all the things I love about life? Maybe the medication has finally kicked in after five weeks. Maybe I have just accepted what has happened, only time will tell.

I am due to meet with a friend's brother tomorrow at 5pm, once it's dark to take long exposures of the Johnson St. bridge. I haven't bothered with photography in a very long time. Today I walked with him around downtown and longed for my camera. It helped that he is in town to check out our photography school and enroll for the fall. We ate, drank tea, walked and talked photography all afternoon! The mountains, draped with snow were in clear view...every angle, every sharp edge, every detail. Amazing. Downtown was alive with street buskers. Ethnic food aromas filled the air and I breathed in every bit I could. I felt alive today. It's been so long since I felt so calm, so in tune, so real.

To be continued!

It's my first time...

in a very long time that the mere thought of typing out details of my life on the net is enticing me.

Here I go. I do this when I'm not settled, because when I'm not settled, I'm alone. By alone I mean that the kids are gone to dreamland and I don't have a partner to share an episode of some bait we call a televised program with. Blogging seems like the obvious counterpart to sitting around, waiting for mother nature to radiate lovely sunshine on my life cause that ain't gonna happen anytime soon! ;-)

It's time I make this life what I want to make of it. This life needs to be about me and these two little humans that admire everything I say and/or do every minute they are with me. Right now, I'm in 'survival mode' and 'survival mode' is the best weapon to fight submission. These girls need a strong role-model, one that believes positivity brings desires to reality.

I hope this blog can help people like me discover they are not alone with their mental illness. Typing that out was huge for me. I have never once put forth to anyone but my closest family that I indeed have a mental illness. Unfortunately a physical illness is accepted in this society, and mental illness is not...what is the difference between body and mind? We are sick and we need treatment and once we have treatment, we have life.

I have loved life, I have tried to end my life...the cycle spins. My goal is to love life always but it's not realistic. My illness delegates when I can be strong and when I will surrender to depression. I haven't found an answer yet, whether it be a medication or an alternative method. If there is significant stress, I will easily collapse. Admitting that this is OK and that I'm not alone is the right thing to do. I can breathe knowing that there is a reason why I feel these intense emotions and think these thoughts that frighten me at times. I am not alone, there are other people with powerful emotions out there who are also terrified by them.

I want to learn and to learn, I need to talk.