Please write me well.

My therapist made a good point today. I am a 'feeling' person and I need for people to perceive me in a positive way. There are all sorts of reasons why a relationship breaks down and when you're in the train-wreck, it's fight or flight and the basic needs of protecting yourself kick in naturally. I have said many things and my fingers have spoken for me in times of 'fight' when I should have taken a ride on the wave. Some of the correspondance probably has left a bad taste in the mouths of a select few and I know it. To explain, I'm wired to please and have people like and care for me. Once time passes, feelings can soften I am quite sure but why did I let it get there in the first place? Back to this post: ...abandonment, medications, hormones and some of life's most difficult challenges left me feeling out of control of my own actions. When I hurt, I hurt so badly, I can't fathom the fact that I will heal in the near future. I shoot myself in the foot because I want to be real and strong and sort things out. In the end, I lose it all and I step 3 steps back down the stairs to depression.

There are some tactics I've been trying out that seem to work for me: I don't send a emails until I've thought them through for a solid amount of time...(thanks mum,) I speak slowly and use judgement when it comes to reacting. As much as I like this new sense of control, (thank you Celexa,) I still know the lesson's been learnt the hard way. I've lost someone who used to think the world of me. He loved me so much, I was his world. When the relationship was suffering due to lack of work, homesickness and financial trouble, I emotionally broke down and lost all sense of self-worth, dignity and strength. The trauma sent me spiralling through a tunnel of catastrophic behaviours, and I couldn't get a grip.

I am here today to apologise for my role in making the lives of people I love and that love me, stressful and burdensome. I am feeling shame but hope that those who can find it in their hearts to forgive me, will 'write me well.'