When you're doing the things you love again...

...you know that either you're stronger than you thought and have moved to a new stage of grief? ...or the medication is finally right and has kicked in. The doctor said it would be 4-6 weeks for it to work but I thought that because I was going off of one and right on to another that it would be instant. That's not how it all works, apparently:P Not only did I cut myself off, cold turkey from the previous drug, I was also in limbo awaiting the other one to kick in. Withdrawing and biding for the new, combined with hormones racing through my body, I was foredoomed. I crumbled in a huge way. I didn't only cry, I would sob like a child. I wasn't only angry, I was enraged. Adreneline was not my friend in any way. The surges my brain sent were irrepresable and I was spinning uncontrollably from one day to the next. One day I was wanting to die because life without him just wouldn't be life, and the next day, I was manically trying to order my life for the foreseeable future.

This is day 3 of a reasonable sense of calm and I'm enjoying it because I allowed myself to live again, however I am scared that this feeling won't last forever. I told my therapist on Thursday that I was frightened that the depression would come back. She assured me over and over that though the next few months could be shaky, if we keep my medication monitored, I should be able to maintain this level of soundness. I will be closely observed and counselled, and changes will be made before my mind can be sabotaged again. I have let my guard down and surrendering to the care of a doctor, specifically a psychitirist. I understand that of the people reading this, there are going to be some who may disapprove and disagree. Please try to understand this wasn't a hasty decision and that I've been 'here' many times before and have refused to allow myself to take this route. Natural therapies are most definitely available and will work for 'maintenence'... but I'm well aware that I needed a quick jump-start back to living and all the herbs and yoga classes available were not going to fix my brain chemistry.

So here I am. I can smile, I can laugh, I can eat, I can take pictures, I can practice my guitar, I can be with friends without crying on their shoulders for the first time in about 6 weeks. Next baby step is to get back to work. Monday morning, I'm going to face my career for the first time in about 6 weeks. I really haven't a choice as the bills staring at me on my desk are not paying themselves but you know...I actually feel ready to do what non-depressed people do everyday. Go to work and provide for myself and my two lovely little ladies:)

*truth*...I'm still scared that I will wake up depressed tomorrow. There is nothing I can do about that but live life to the fullest when I'm feeling good so that's what I've chosen for myself.